"How To Decide What's Next" - Jessica Toth (Her Side Of Things Series)

From very early in our infertility journey, my husband, Dave, looked at me and with all the gentleness and all the seriousness in him said, “you have to understand that there’s a very real possibility that this may never happen for us.” [Guys, don’t be afraid to be honest with your wives. Be gentle, but don’t sugarcoat the truth. Encourage hope and prayer, but be honest.] I wasn’t ready to process the reality that we may never conceive a child. In fact, I thought his comment was a little dramatic and I wouldn’t allow myself to go there…not yet.

For me, answering the ‘what’s next?’ question meant giving up. Giving up our dream of being pregnant; of hearing a little heartbeat, a heartbeat that belonged to a tiny person who had Dave’s mischievous grin and my borderline embarrassing giggle fits. Months turned to years and I didn’t or wouldn’t answer that haunting question, ’what’s next?’

After three years, dozens of doctor visits, numerous medical tests, various medications, and way too many negative pregnancy tests, I was finally ready to explore the possibility of what’s next.

It was only last month. I had a follow-up appointment. I had a few questions for my OBGYN. Questions that I’d rehearsed over and over again in my head. Questions I hoped held the key to figuring out this puzzle of why we couldn’t get pregnant. When the doctor answered my anticipated questions with definitive uncertainty and essentially offered us any fertility drug we thought might help, I realized we were at a crossroad. She told me 10-15% of couples who deal with infertility never know the root cause. This statistic was oddly comforting: We weren’t crazy, we weren’t the only ones.

I walked out of the office, passed the mom in the waiting room with her newborn, smiled my rehearsed smile at the receptionist, and got into my car. I’m not sure exactly why, but I wept. My heart ached the way it has many times, but this time the hopelessness seemed official… diagnosed. We would not get pregnant without a serious financial commitment and maybe not even then.

I called Dave and expressed my grief in a way it sometimes comes out…ugly, frustrated. [Men, understand that grief can come out in many ways. Listen closely to your wife and give grace to her sometimes harsh comments, knowing that she may be broken with sorrow and expressing it through angry, unfiltered thoughts.] Dave listened and somehow heard a hopeful conclusion to my grumbling. He rather matter-of-factly stated that we should move on, consider what’s next; why not adoption? [Your wife may not be ready to move on, give her time. You may not be ready to move on, ask your wife to give you time]

Adoption is not a foreign concept for me. In fact, when I hear the word I often smile and think of my 14 year old, hilarious, handsome, handful-of-a-brother, Malachi. We love adoption and have a special place in our hearts for this gospel-mirroring process. But adoption before having bio-kids wasn’t the plan; and oh how sinfully attached we get to our “plans.”

[Men, lead your wives to the understanding that our plans may not be God’s plans. Gently help her to trust in the goodness of God so she may then trust in the goodness of God’s plans and direction for your short lives on this earth.]

So, that’s where we are. Researching adoption agencies and praying for wisdom, guidance, and grace. [Guys, be a big part of this process! Research, ask questions, initiate dinners and emails and phone calls with families who have adopted.]

The well-meaning, but God-shrinking, idol-producing sentiments are still there. Just as they were there at the start of our infertility journey. —“You’re young!” “All in God’s timing” “It’ll happen for you guys!”— Only now they sound like this —“You know, a lot of couples get pregnant when they start the adoption process.”— As if getting pregnant will make me happy or satisfy the deepest longings in my heart or bring the most glory to my precious Jesus. For these moments, I pray for grace and a vivid memory to recall the many times I foolishly rambled some dishonoring words or built up idols of circumstance in someone else’s heart. How patiently I’ve been taught that only one thing matters. “Walk with me and work with me - watch how I do it. Learn the unforced rhythms of grace. I won’t lay anything heavy or unfitting on you. Keep company with me and you’ll learn to live freely and lightly.” Matthew 11:29-30. [My husband was a constant encouragement to think kindly and grace-fully about those who made ignorant comments. He whispered defense on their behalf and helped me to love through the hurt. Do this for your wife; she needs someone she loves and trusts to encourage her to have Godly thoughts when she is struggling with hurt and anger.]

Do I believe that events and circumstances, even tragedy, are all an act of grace? Am I willing to let go of my feeble attempts to control these graces and trust in the one who creates the rhythms of grace in my life for His glory?

I am ready to live freely and lightly, not stressing over changes or unexpected circumstances. I am ready to trust Jesus with whatever’s next in this mist of a life. I want to shine my tiny light on Jesus, on His overwhelming love, on His life-saving, hope-invoking, overcoming work on the cross.

Be glorified in my tiny story, be magnified in our little family, be exalted in our human hearts.

[Husbands, you are a rock for your wife throughout the infertility journey. As wives, we know you’re hurting too, so we often keep our pain inside. As God gives you the strength, reach out and ask how your wife is doing. Pray with her, cry with her, and embrace her. Be gentle and patient when you speak truth to her, but do speak truth. She needs to hear it. She often hears general encouragement and receives apologetic head tilts, but she needs to hear blunt truth wrapped in deep, genuine, I’m-in-this-with-you love. In 2 Corinthians 12, Paul writes about the thorn in his side. God gave Paul the thorn to keep him from being conceited. We don’t always know the reason we endure hardship, but we can be sure that there is a purpose.

Paul recounts when he asked God to remove the thorn; “[God] said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me. For the sake of Christ, then, I am content with weaknesses, insults, hardships, persecutions, and calamities. For when I am weak, then I am strong.”

Be strong, men. Keep leading your wives. Keep fighting the good fight. Keep your eyes fixed on Christ.