"God's Presence Through"- Josh Cowell

I am not one who is big on being in the lime light or sharing a deep personal story. However, I think it is important that we all share our stories, joys, and struggles for many reasons. First, when God gives us a miracle I believe it is our responsibility to testify what he has done. Second, we encourage others through our stories (even though I know in the midst of the struggle I didn’t really want to read or hear about others’ struggles.) Maybe you are reading this and don’t believe in God. I hope this story (our story) can give you hope, and can make you feel less alone if you are experiencing or have experiences that are similar. It’s amazing to reflect on where I was almost twelve months ago to where my wife and I are today. My hope is that you find peace and encouragement through this story.

It was twelve years ago when I first started dating my wife. I had noticed her for a full year leading up to our first date. We found each other at our low points in our faith. Glossing over the 3 years of dating, we began to go to church together, again. I became much more involved in my church leading music and attribute her to helping push me in that direction, even if she wasn’t fond of the songs we sang, it was much more to her than personal taste. The biggest struggle of our marriage at that time was “when are we getting a dog and can we get a cat?” I am allergic to cats so after a couple years of marriage we now have two fantastic dogs, Uru and Copper.

The Spring of 2013 is when we were planning to start our human family. Lizz had just graduated from nursing school, and we bought our house which had an extra few rooms for our family to grow. Almost five years later our house still has a physical vacancy, but has been filled with so much more; hope, peace and joy. The past four and half years my wife has had more blood drawn, given herself more shots than I can count, and we have been to doctors’ offices and the fertility clinic what feels like more times than the grocery store. She is a true warrior and I want to take a moment to affirm her in not only her physical toughness but, her mental and spiritual toughness. It is one of the most difficult things as a husband to see the love of your life go through the physicality of procedures, shots, blood draws, and be completely helpless and knowing I’d switch places if I could.

We tried for a little over a year to get pregnant and after two and half years of medicine to help with conception, and numerous IUI procedures, the answer was always the same: No.

After those painful years our next step was IVF. Even having friends go through it and reading about it, we didn’t know what we were in for. The process is expensive and we had to wait and save up, which is the last thing we wanted to do: wait longer.

Finally the timing was right and we had saved enough money to visit the fertility clinic and begin the IVF process. The process itself was really difficult on Lizz’s body. Below is a picture a friend made showing one year’s worth of medicine, hormones, and drugs that consist of daily shots and pills, not to mention all the vitamins.

It was all worth it though, as I’ll never forget the day we got our first “yes.” I knew we would be hearing results from the clinic and decided to take a walk to think and pray during my lunch break. Mid way through my walk I received a call from my wife excitedly declaring “you’re going to be a Daddy!” I was flooded with a mix of emotions and feelings. I overwhelmed with gratitude and feeling a bit like this was all a dream, we immediately prayed on the phone together thanking God for the wonderful news!

Step two, the first ultrasound. You can imagine our excitement as for the first time in years we were visiting the fertility clinic to meet our new little one through a TV screen. We said a prayer before walking in, we checked in and got ready in our room. I remember seeing the little baby hurricane on the screen, only to have our hearts quickly sink as the doctor informed us that she couldn’t find a heartbeat. She told us that we should come back in a few days just in case the baby was a little behind in development.

Needless to say, those were a long four days. Lizz and I tried to keep each other positive and hopeful. We spent time on our knees praying for the little baby we had just seen. I remember our next visit was a week day at 10AM. I had gone to work in the morning for a couple hours and was on my way back home so Lizz and I could drive to the clinic together. In the time I was driving back home a man had stopped by our house. We didn’t know him and Lizz was getting ready for me to pick her up, but the man had said that he wanted to encourage us to read our bibles and left us with a pamphlet on verses to start with. He also said to her that the Bible can be reassuring and provide answers to a tragedy, like why does a mother lose her child? ... We knew then that God had wanted our attention. The visit that morning further showed that the little baby didn’t make it. Immediately we were flooded with sorrow and I began to think of that little life and what could have been.

Just a week later I was getting ready to travel to Belize for ten days on a Guitars for Glory trip where we were planning to run a music program at a church. I didn’t want to go. I was more worried about being with Lizz as the process of passing the baby is not easy physically or mentally. After talking with her about it, however, she really pushed me to go. So I did what any good husband does, I listened to my wife.

Guitars for Glory is a non-profit organization that I volunteer for whose purpose is to equip the world for worship by placing instruments in the hands of churches, communities and individuals who need them all over the world. The people who are part of GFG with me are truly family. They have been a huge support and prayed consistently for us. While in Belize I was able to reunite with people who we worked with the year prior, two of whom were a couple I absolutely love and missed. Throughout the week we discovered through what I can only say was divine conversation that they have been going through infertility for 11 years and had just recently gone through a similar situation as Lizz and I. At the time they had not told anyone they were dealing with the pain of their loss too. We shared tears, crying for each other and sharing some of our pain. It was truly incredible as I was thinking, have we been going through this journey for this moment, so that I could be with this couple at that time specifically to encourage each other? I believe yes.

Upon returning from Belize I shared with Lizz the other couple’s story and the stories of other team members who have gone through similar experiences, but I didn’t want to pressure her to try again until she was ready. My wife truly is Wonder Woman! She was ready to try again and didn’t want to miss another window. So, a month later we were back in the clinic, Lizz giving herself regular shots and medications to prepare for round two (remember the picture above?). We again approached this step with some excitement and anxiety, but we were ready to move ahead.

After the embryo transfer, we were again given the petri dish our little one had lived in and a picture of the baby. It is remarkable that we get to see the baby at less than a week old! A family friend we have known since I was very young is a nurse at the clinic and thankfully she came in to see us at each visit and prayed with us after each “No” and each “Yes.” I am truly thankful for that comfort and peace “in the moment.” In hind sight it was another showing of God’s faithfulness to us providing support each way we turn, letting us know he is there.

A few weeks passed and it was time for the pregnancy test. I was traveling in Wisconsin for work and had a few hours’ drive when I got the news from my wife: Another yes! I almost swerved off the road to hear the word that followed, TWINS! I was excited and couldn’t wait to get home to see my wife and give her a hug. We were learning to take one step at a time, but, this was exciting!

We found out at the next follow up appointment a week later that the twins were Monoamniotic twins, or, Mono Twins for short. This means the babies share the same amniotic sac and are always identical. The problem is that Mono Twins have a very high mortality rate and often times are born with severe defects. Hearing that news was really tough, and we were asked to come in the following week to see the babies progress. Sometimes due to the miracle of IVF and seeing things so early we are part of the process earlier than usual. In some cases, one twin will absorb the other and we’d never know it. We often wonder how many times does this happen unknowingly to non-IVF pregnancies? Never the less you can read all you want and we did but, ultimately nothing is in our control. So, we prayed and prayed.

Our next visit was set, we showed up to the clinic and discovered that one of the babies didn’t make it, there was no heart beat and you could see degradation. But the other baby’s heart was still beating and had grown! We were placed as a high-risk pregnancy for close monitoring. What they were concerned with is that since the babies are in the same sac they are sharing blood that really is meant for one baby. Another appointment was scheduled, and once again we had to wait, hope, and pray. But we were hopeful due to the remaining baby’s growth. At the next visit we discovered the other baby didn’t make it either. That is a day I will never forget... Crushed, disappointed, heartbroken, and speechless. Thankfully they gave us some much-needed time alone in the room.

I’ll never forget leaving that room. We had to go back and visit our doctor on the other side of the hall. As we were in the waiting room, trying to comprehend the grief, the first thing my wife did is open her bible app on her phone and she did her devotional for the day... I confess, that isn’t what I was thinking of doing at that moment. I wanted to scream, throw something, or crawl in bed and lock the door. I did already say my wife is Wonder Woman, right? Well that right there is what we are supposed to do. I remember a quote my Dad would always say, “Fortunate, unfortunate, who is to say? I just praise and thank God everyday!” That is what it is about. Sure, we can praise him in our good times but, are we faithful to him in our lows?

The months that followed were the most trying in our marriage and brought low points I never thought I’d feel. I’ll spare you the details of further procedures, and a single painful day that when thought of immediately we agree is one we will never forget. We were hoping just a month later that we could announce at Christmas to our families that we were having a baby. Christmas felt empty to us. We had received baby items and bought some of our own that still were in our closet, which we then boxed up to remove the reminder of what could have been. We had decided to put things on hold for a bit and that time of waiting was one of the most trying periods in our marriage.

We went from thinking, are we meant to have kids? I can’t watch my wife suffer anymore, to, anger and depression for both of us. This quickly became a big wedge in our marriage. And over the course of just a few months, it drove us apart. It was natural for us to feel numb and be completely drained but, I will never forget a defining conversation. Things between us were at an all-time low; we were definitely not in sync or really acting as a married couple. We had an open honest painful conversation and I reminded her that I didn’t marry her to be a Dad. I married her to be her Husband! She needed to know this. We will all experience tragedy, trials, misfortune; there is no comparison, your trials are yours but trials are seasons, they don’t stay forever. I’ve believed for a long time that our flaws and how we act in tragedy define who we are. We decided that this overwhelming situation would define us, but how?

It didn’t happen overnight but, from that conversation we began to take steps to support each other and not try to carry it all on our own. This started with praying in the morning each day together. Since April 1, 2017 we have not missed a single day of prayer in the morning. Even if I didn’t have cell service, we’d text prayers to each other in the morning. We weren’t going to miss it. God had wanted our attention, he made it clear. All we could do in our lowest point is listen and commit ourselves to listening further. Through that prayerful persistence we drew closer together, more than we had been in years, just over a short time, and decided to start an IVF treatment again in April.

After the treatment, Lizz had a vivid dream of a Mexican man selling her honey. My wife does occasionally talk in her sleep and it is fun to have conversations, so the randomness of the dream didn’t surprise me. However, after sharing her dream with a close friend of ours, that friend began to look up meanings to both of these seemingly random dream elements. What she found was that honey represents fertility in most cultures, but the man was a mystery. After our follow up doctor appointment and confirmation that we were pregnant now a third time, they set our first ultrasound date which was to be on Cinco de Mayo. Fertility – honey, and now the Mexican man... pretty amazing.

Next, we were headed into the first ultrasound, at this point we weren’t letting ourselves get excited, each visit and milestone was one step closer. We packed up the car and started to drive to the doctor’s office when Lizz asked if I had seen the YouVersion Bible app Verse of the day. I hadn’t, so she said open it and read it. Ecclesiastes 11:5 As you do not know the path of the wind, or how the body is formed in a mother’s womb, so you cannot understand the work of God, the Maker of all things. I lost it after reading that, and, after visiting the clinic we had a healthy little baby with a steady heartbeat!

Again, we didn’t want to get too excited. I remember going to get my haircut and was talking to the stylist about how my wife was pregnant. As I was going to sign the check, she couldn’t find a pen but had a pencil. She had no idea where it came from and said well, I think you should have this. It was a blue pencil that read “it’s a boy!” No one at the shop had been to a baby shower or knew where that came from. She gave me the pencil and I’ve kept it ever since. Fast forward a few months and in fact we are having a baby boy, due to arrive December 2017. A miracle baby.

Sitting in the doctor’s office watching his anatomical scan was overwhelming. It was on Lizz’s birthday that we found we were having a boy and he was healthy... I was broken again and began to weep. The verse of the day on that day was John 1:12 Yet to all who did receive him, to those who believed in his name, he gave the right to become children of God. At that point I felt the weight of God press on me. At that moment I wept for a precious healthy baby boy whom I’d meet in a few months. I wept for God’s promise, as if he had said “see, look what I can do, look at my promises!” Not only was I his child but look at the child he gave to us.

I am sitting here in tears wrapping up this post that has taken a long time to write. Almost 12 months later from the lowest point in my life, to now being overjoyed, anxious, and excited to meet our little man any day now. Throughout this time of reflecting on our journey over the past five years I truly see God’s work in our story, from random visitors dropping off scripture at our house, friends and family who supported us, prayed for us, wept with us, a family friend who happened to be a nurse at the clinic that prayed with us each visit, friends in another country praying for us and God revealing himself through scripture, the list goes on...

The happy ending to our story isn’t just our little guy coming in a few weeks. It was through recognizing God’s promises, his persistence and blessings we received through our struggle. We realized that we aren’t defined by our baby that is coming or lack of baby in our season of wanting. We are extremely blessed to live where we live, have the family and friends that we do and now a new baby boy. We will always remember and dream of the three babies we lost, that wound will never go away. Not everyone will have the ending they want with whatever struggle they are going through, we found out that a baby isn’t our ultimate happy ending. I don’t mean that insensitively, or ungratefully. I mean to say it is so much more, it is finding our identity in Christ and knowing that - Fortunate or unfortunate who is to say? Lizz and I will praise and thank God everyday!