A dollar for your thoughts

The first tattoo I ever had placed on my body was a flock of birds on my right shoulder. It wasn’t very well designed, and yes, I designed it myself. They looked like sparrows to me, but Ive had people ask what the seagull tattoo on my upper arm means. Seagulls are not cool. I was 24! Does anyone actually know what they’re doing when they’re 24 years old? My tattoos have significantly improved as I’ve added to my collection. At least I think so. Designed well or not, I would say that the birds I got inked on my body still carry the same significance in my life as they did the day I got it. I see them in the mirror every morning.

The birds are a reminder of scripture in the Bible from Matthew 6:26 which reads “Look at the birds of the air: they neither sow nor reap nor gather into barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not of more value than they?" I had them placed on my shoulder during the time Amy and I were trying to start our family. It was, and still is a daily reminder of the worry I carried then and now, and where it is best placed.

Many of you know that I have a strong faith in God and a hope in Jesus. I don’t beat people over the head with my Bible. I’m sure you’ve all had an experience with someone who does. Not my style. I don’t feel the need to try to convince others to subscribe to what I believe. My hope is that I live my life in a way that moves someone’s heart enough to ask. Maybe they’ll see something different in me or feel cared for in a way that is divinely inexplainable. Not because I’m anything special, but because of what I believe God has done in my life. By the way, I fail miserably at this every day.

The way our family has been miraculously or serendipitously cared for to me goes beyond anything coincidence could ever explain. As hard as I try at times to pin this provision in our lives on something other than a greater being, things seem to go south rather quickly. I have no choice but to look back at all the nooks, crannies and nuances of how we were provided for under the lens of a God who cares, in both the pain and the joy of life.

I woke up early last Wednesday morning, gearing up for the second day of stem cell retrieval. The first day had gone fairly smoothly, but we didn’t get enough stem cells in the single day. I was feeling a little trepidation about having to get the 18 gauge needle stuck back in my arm for a second day. Trying to calm some of my nerves, I was doing a little reading. I came across a quote from Louie Giglio that said

“God’s plans for your life far exceed the circumstances of your day.”

As we walked into the stem cell clinic, I was trying to do some math in my head. “If it took 6 hours to get 1 million stem cells into this bag, how many more days or hours am I going to be sitting here to hit 3 million? Am I going to have to come back a third day? A fourth? Are my veins going to retreat into the center of my arms out of rebellion? Is this going to make the cost skyrocket to $200K? It felt like it. But, I meditated on that quote. His plans for our lives far exceed the circumstances of my day. Here I am worrying about numbers again, just as I was about the finances of this whole thing.

Here is where I also think He’s got a sense of humor. To worry about how this whole stem cell transplant would be financially feasible would be an obvious reaction, but doesn’t God do it in a way that says “told you so” with a sense of humor I think most would appreciate. “Here’s an extra dollar for your worries, for your anxiety, for your doubt, for your tears, now stop acting like I don’t know what I’m doing.”

$150,001… One dollar over the fundraising goal.

3.1 million stem cells in two days.

Over 200 friends and family who gave with utter generosity.

He’s so much bigger than the numbers I try to reason with, and I am so glad.

So here is what’s next. I will be heading into the hospital on July 15 to have my picc line placed in my arm. On July 16, I will be admitted to the cancer center to begin five days of intensive chemotherapy. Chemotherapy will knock my immune system completely off the map allowing the re-introduction of my stem cells into my system. I will then begin the slow process of allowing the stem cells to do their thing and reset my immune system. I will be living and sleeping in the hospital for 14-21 days. I am very much grateful for these next couple weeks to spend with my family and friends now that phase one is complete. I’m looking forward to making new friends at the hospital. I will do my best to update you each day as we progress. I’ll keep everyone updated on visitation!

I love you all so very much. Thanks for being in our corner.